WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Being a Hongkie is good because...
1. We are Hongkies and not Chinese. 2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn. 3. Jackie Chan is our icon. 4. We can live in a 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment. 5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age. 6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or the mainland communists. 7. Gambling is more interesting than sex. Macau is the place to go for thrills! 8. We produce a lot of Miss Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous 9. Our Christians can pray to Allah We love being Singaporean because.. 1. We are not Malaysians. 2. Everyone (especially Malaysians) hates us, except ourselves. 3. Famous for Orchard Road and we love Geylang. Geylang is the place for thrills! 4. We have our own island. 5. We will never ever have yucky chewing gum stuck under our shoes. 6. We know how to enjoy our vacation in Malaysia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway: You can speed and throw anything, anytime, anywhere. 7. We can speed up to 180 kilometers per hour on Malaysian roads and not end up with a summon as long as we have RM50 with us to pay the traffic cops when caught. 8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl 'Do you have CPF?' 9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will end up in the sea. 10. We never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right because the government will find one for us. 11. 1 Singapore dollar = 2.5 Ringgit... nyek nyek nyek. 12. It's OK to be 'Kiasu'. It's part of our culture. 13. Our Christians can pray to Allah. Reasons for being Indonesian are as follow... 1. We are not Australian. 2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia . 3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the Navy and Coast guards. 4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries... 5. We can blame everything on Suharto or BJ Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or whoever's next? 6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results. 7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just because IMF says so... 8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn. We cause haze all over South East Asia and nobody can do a thing... nyek nyek nyek. 9. We do not need fire fighters as our neighbours will provide... 10. We can change our religion from Christianity to Islam to Hinduism to Buddhism and back without any problems. 11. Our Christians can pray to Allah. Being a Malaysian is the best because... 1. World's tallest twin towers, Best F1 circuit, largest roti canai, most expensive toll rates, because Malaysia Boleh! 2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting the radio and bribing the traffic police at the same time. 3. We can get a divorce by sending just an SMS. 4. Traffic summons can be settled on the spot with the traffic police. 5. We can have Teh Tarik & Roti Canai on the Russian space ship. 6. We can save a lot of electricity because our TV shows are so crappy. 7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government or the opposition parties or... 8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others watching... 9. Most drivers can make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lanes when police are sighted 10. There's always something for the JKR/TNB/TALIKOM/SYABAS to do. They dig, resurface the road, dig and resurface...and blame each other for bad co-ordination. 11. All main roads are designated highway because it gives Samy Velu a reason to collect toll.12. Our government can never be wrong or dishonest. 13. Our badminton players are paid only RM35,000 when they win a major international tournament which is very cheap compared to David Beckham. 14. You can easily get a divorce and marry a young singer you like. 15. We can even use C4 explosives to bombard Gengkis Khan or Kublai Khan's great grandchildren. 16. We have more water than Singapore .... nyek nyek nyek. 17. If you have no money you can always snatch other peoples' money since police can't do much to help. 18. If you are the police, doesn't matter about the traffic rules, it's for citizens only 19. If you are a police outrider you can kick and bang peoples' cars. 20. If you drive a police car, you don't need seat belts. You can speed because speed limits only apply to citizens. 21. You can settle your summons with big discounts during "Sales Malaysia". 22. All motorbike riders can join the recognized & supported Mat Rempit Club for free and can beat up anybody in their way and can even throw stones at the police station anytime they like. 23. If you got nothing to do, join Rela and go to the kongsi gelap & extort monies from all the foreign workers. 24. You can rape people and blame them for wearing very little. 25. You don't need to bother about the poor when you race in your F1. 26. You can keep your money and get a free degree when you have 'connections'. 27. You can get work done with 2 hours lunch break, 2 hours tea break, 2 hours with God and the rest of the time attending meetings. 28. You get free "bumi" status if you swim from Indonesia. 29. You can change your sworn Statutory Declaration anytime. 30. You can be a pedophile by "marrying" your young bride. 31 . A country so free to do things you like. Tell me which country is like ours. 32. Oh, I forgot....our Christians cannot pray to Allah.
