Let’s be clear here. Malaysia will not host the Olympics Games – well, at least not in my lifetime. Malaysia is NOT a sporting nation – a prerequisite to becoming an Olympic host. We have never done well at the Olympics, winning the Suzuki cup doesn’t count and unfortunately, squash is not an Olympic sport. No, they don’t have congkak at the Olympics. And winning the pencak silat at the SEA Games doesn't count either.
But, what if? What if, by a twist of fate or the movement of a large sum of money or if the International Olympics Committee (IOC) is struck by the mad cow disease, Malaysia becomes the host of the 2020 Olympic Games?
Let’s explore.
Games Organizing Committee
Every Games has a high-powered organizing committee and hundreds of subcommittees. This is one area that we Malaysians are good at. We have our Jawatankuasas – thousands of them. We are masters at forming Jawatankuasa. If London 2012 had 300 subcommittees, we will have at least 3000. We will have a committee to decide the size of pisang goreng to be served at the opening ceremony. We will have a committee to determine the colour of the hockey umpire’s underwear. We will have a committee to decide whether to invite Israel or not (although we really don’t have a choice here). We will have a committee to determine if beach volleyball is haram or otherwise. Heck, we will even have a committee to decide which other committee to blame in case something goes wrong.
My prediction : We will have 1 main organizing committee, 32 sub-committees, 278 sub-sub committees and 3162 sub-sub-sub committees. It is very likely that the Bangladeshi worker who cleans the committee meeting rooms will make some of the most important decisions.
Chairperson of the Games Organizing Committee
There are no major appointments in this country where race is not a criterion. Perkasa will insist the chairperson must be a Malay. DAP will say the selection must be based on merit as long as the person is a Chinese. MIC will tell Perkasa “you can keep the chairman’s post as long as you acknowledge that all Malays have Indian blood”. The Dusuns, Ibans, Punjabis, Penans, Kayans, Bidayuhs, Muruts and Orang Aslis will all hold protests to insist that one of their own is appointed as the chairperson of the Games Organizing committee.
My prediction : The Government, to pacify everyone, will appoint Bobo the proboscis monkey to chair the games organizing committee.
Olympics Torch
We will quarrel over who gets to carry the torch and which route the torch will take. The torch will definitely go up Mt Kinabalu, Gunung Tahan, up and down the North South highway, go in circles around Putrajaya, on the Penang bridge, etc. One smart ass minister might decide to take the flame underwater in Sipadan before being told that it is not a good idea. Corporate bigwigs will pay huge sums of money to carry the torch. Cronies, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, son-in-laws, adik angkat, kakak angkat, etc – all will get to carry the torch. Heck, even an Orang Utan might be given the chance to carry the Olympic torch from Sandakan to Sepilok.
There will be serious quarrels as to who gets to light the cauldron during the opening ceremony. As expected, the debate will focus on the gender, ethnicity and religion of the person.
My prediction : The organizing committee will wait for months before the Fatwa Council decides whether carrying the flame is ok or otherwise. The Council will decide it is ok when the IOC threatens to take the Games away from us.
Opening Ceremony
Danny Boyle did a fantastic job of telling a very British story during the London Olympics. So, I guess we will have to tell our story which will go like this. The Portugese came and conquered. The Dutch came and conquered. The British came and conquered. The Japanese came and conquered. Finally we got Independence. Then the Indonesians and Bangladeshis came and conquered.
My prediction : During the athlete’s parade, RTM1 and RTM2 will try to black out the images of the Israeli delegation.
Events
Equestrian
Officials at KLIA will stop all the horses from the entering the country. Reason : “kuda asing tak ada paspot”. Appeals by IOC and various countries will go unheeded. Some countries may threaten to boycott the Games. As a compromise, Malaysia will agree to provide buffalos to the participating nations.
My prediction : Malaysia, Indonesia, Vietnam and Thaialnd will win all the 12 gold medals at stake. Realizing the possibilities, IOC will allow buffalos in future Olympic equestrian events.
Rowing
Rowing will take place in the Klang river. Rowers will be given additional points for picking up rubbish along the way. All athletes and officials will wear hazmat suits to prevent contact with the toxic river water. Some athletes from our neighbouring countries might row all the way back to home.
My prediction : The drug addicts who hang out under the bridges along the Klang river will steal the oars from the rowers.
Shooting
Besides the traditional air rifle, air pistol, trap and skeet events, Malaysia will introduce the crow shooting competition. The crow shooting competition preliminaries will take place in Georgetown, Kajang and Ipoh while the finals will be held in Klang (where else lah). In addition to the medals, the winners will be allowed to keep the dead crows. During the finals, a shooter from Kazakstan will accidently shoot 3 TNB workers fixing a streetlight in Klang, thinking that they were crows.
My prediction : The International Olympic Committee will be impressed by this new event and introduce it in all subsequent Olympic Games. Majlis Perbandaran Klang will get the contract to supply all the crows.
Malaysia will introduce crow shooting at the 2020 Games
Wrestling
Local officials, unfamiliar with the Olympics wrestling events, will send out invitation to the WWE wrestling stars.
My prediction : John Cena, Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Rick Flair and Tito Santana will be in KL.
Swimming
There will be two major problems. First, even in 2020, both the Federal and Selangor state governments will not have resolved the water problems. The Olympics aquatic centre will be without water. To overcome the problem, somebody will get a contract to fill up the pools with mineral water. Second, PAS will insist that all competitors must wear sarong in the pool.
My prediction : The mineral water to fill up the pools will come from Singapore.
Diving
Due to a lack of suitable venues, the diving competition will be held at the MACC’s office.
My prediction : Our medals hopes will go out of the window
Long Jump, Triple Jump and High Jump
Malaysia will sweep clean all the jumping events. Represented by our katak MPs, we will break all records and scare the shit out of all other competing nations.
My prediction : The record set by our katak MPs will stand for 100 years.
Fencing
Due to a glitch, fencing will be interpreted as acara memasang pagar. Jabatan Lanskap Negara, which demonstrated its fencing prowess at Bukit Kiara recently, will be chosen to organize the event.
My prediction : Malaysia will win all the 8 gold medals at stake.
Beach volleyball
The beach volleyball competition will be held at Pantai Morib. Because of improper siting of the courts, many games will be suspended during high tide. PAS will stage a protest, calling for the banning of beach volleyball. They will call the venue “the devil’s playground”.
My prediction : Keeping in line with Malaysia’s beachwear policy, all female players will be required to wear a sarong and T-shirt over their bikinis.
Gymnastics
Malaysia, without being noticed by the IOC or the other competing nations, will enter orang utans and proboscis monkeys in the gymnastics events. Our orang utans sweep all the medals in the parallel bars, roman rings, uneven bars and the pummel horse. We only lose out in the floor events.
My prediction : The Indonesians might discover the truth and try to do the same thing in the 2024 Games.
Football
The Malaysian football players will intentionally handle the ball using their hands during all their games and pay a heavy price for it. At least 6 of our players will be shown the red card, another 4 the yellow card. We will have penalties awarded against us. Their excuse : they heard that there were 4 gold medals to be won at handball.
My prediction : It will take a long time before our team realises that there is a sport called handball which is NOT part of football.
Other matters
Official Sponsors
To demonstrate the rising powers of Malaysia’s big corporations, traditional names such as Coca Cola, Samsung, Nike, Adidas, McDonalds, etc will NOT be given sponsorship rights. Instead Malaysian brands such as Hj Samuri Satay Kajang, Pelita Nasi Kandar, Kayu Nasi Kandar, Ramly Burger, SportsToto, Volcano Massage, MaggiMee, Kosmo, Harakah, Planet of the Monyets and Kopi Tongkat Ali will feature prominently.
My prediction : Minyak Cap Kapak will be the official medication for the Games. It is guaranteed to cure all ailments.
Doping
There will be very few cases of doping because all athletes would have been warned that Malaysia imposes the death penalty for drug-related offences.
My prediction : At least two weightlifters and three sprinters will be caught and hung before the Games are over.
The 2020 Olympics Games in Kuala Lumpur will be a resounding success and herald a new beginning for the Olympic movement. Future Games will be benchmarked against the KL Games. Stunned by creativity and unconventional approaches to hosting the Games by the Malaysians, the President of the IOC will declare this as the best Games ever.
